Thursday, March 6, 2014

Two weeks, in five parts

I’ll admit that transitions have never been the strongest attribute of my writing, or my talking, really. I just don’t see the need for them. When I came out to my parents, my end of the conversation went something like this: “I forgot to take out the trash. Also, I have sex with men. No, not for money. Yes, in their assholes. No, mom, I was not born this way. Yes, dad, it is all your fault. No, I haven’t considered a lobotomy. Yes, the prostate really is a man’s g-spot. No, you’re not on candid camera.”

What was I talking about again? Oh yeah, transitions.

As the subject line indicates, I have five stories that will catch you up on everything me, and therefore fabulously inconsequential, that’s happened this past fortnight. And, lacking the ability to transition between them, I’ve decided not to try. Because, as Ben Franklin once proclaimed, effort is the hobgoblin of an enfeebled mind.

Part I: The Valentine’s Day Massacre


Ah, Valentine’s Day, that magical occasion where lovers express their fondness for each other by showering them with roses, chocolates, and semen. Or, in Gay Ninja Robot’s case, a time to sleep through the whole damn thing and ruin friendships.

So, you see, GNR’s original plan was simple: dinner with Cayle, to end at precisely 9:00, at which point GNR would hop the 1 down to Times Square, where He and Nick would grab a nightcap, and perhaps each other’s genitals. [Ed.: !]

"Nothing can go wrong with this plan!" you must be thinking. Nothing at all. Except GNR could fall asleep at Cayle’s, awaking at 10:30 to Nick’s “where the fuck are you?” call. That could happen.

This is where you all get to be the proverbial judge.

First, a confession. I fucked up. I really fucked up. And I apologized, by phone a few times, and then by email, in which I expressed my hope that Nick and I could still be friends. To this plea, he responded, “So fine we’re friends, let’s meet out, wait for me.”

Ouch.

He also told me that the “falling asleep story sounds fishy.” But no, I really did. And I really did feel awful about it. But don’t anymore. Because there comes a time in a young man’s life when He must realize that some people are willing to throw away a potentially solid friendship over one stupid fuckup. Even after He is broken up with through the guy’s roommate, who confronts Him at a party to tell Him that the guy has invited three other guys he’s dating to that same party. So you be the judge. Am I right to be pissed off enough to be sharing this here? Yeah, I think I am.

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